I came across Esther Perel, a psychotherapist by profession, while listening to The Knowledge Project podcast by Shane Parrish and was intrigued by her statement, “Behind every criticism is a wish.”
It is one of those short but powerful and sharp insight you come across occasionally, that sheds light on aspects you never thought about before, or often aspects you were exposed to but didn’t give enough thought to understand it’s nuances.
Before getting into details of these words, here’s a bit about Esther Perel.
About Esther Perel
Esther Perel (born 1958) is a Belgian psychotherapist of Polish-Jewish descent who has explored the tension between the need for security (love, belonging and closeness) and the need for freedom (erotic desire, adventure, and distance) in human relationships.
Perel promotes the concept of Erotic Intelligence in her book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence published in 2006, after which she became an international advisor on sex and relationships. She gave a brilliant TED talk about The secret to desire in a long-term relationship that’s a must-watch. I have included a video link further in this article.
Esther is the daughter of two Holocaust victims, both the only survivors in their families.
Esther believes:
The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.
I believe that human connection has transformative power in all aspects of our lives.
EstherPerel.com, My Story, Background, and Inspirations
Behind every criticism is a wish
Constant criticism can be troublesome in any relationship. Esther recommends that in this situation, we need to pause and reflect to understand the unstated ‘wish’ behind the criticism.
What’s important to understand about criticism is that it sits on top of a mountain of disappointments of unmet needs and unfulfilled longings.
Criticism as a way of asking for something will often produce the opposite result of what the person criticizing wanted: to be loved and to feel good about themselves.
What’s the right approach in this situation?
Esther recommends a 3-step process to address the criticism (or low-intensity conflicts or bickering) in any relationship.
- Pay attention to what’s working
- Let yourself be vulnerable
- Reflect and take responsibility
These are relevant in personal relationships as well as other relationships, like those at the workplace.
Let’s dive into each one of them.
Pay attention to what’s working
When our relationship is in distress, we tend to overlook the good and overemphasize the bad.
Focus on what is working. Pay attention.
This will kick you out of a defeating cycle of negativity. And will motivate your partner towards acts of kindness.
Let yourself be vulnerable
Every criticism often holds a veiled wish. When your partner says to you, “You’re never around”, what they may actually mean is “I’m lonely, I miss you when you’re not here.”
For many, anger is easier to express than hurt. Anger can feel like a confidence booster and an analgesic. Yet the more we communicate through anger, the more anger we get in return, creating a negative cycle of escalations.
When we express a wish, it puts us in a vulnerable position where we could be denied. Instead of expressing the wish, we sometimes express ourselves by criticizing, by pointing the flaws in the other person.
It is tempting to launch into anger instead of experiencing the vulnerability of putting yourself out there, asking for something and waiting for the possibility that you won’t get it.
Reflect and take responsibility
Criticizing or reacting to criticism will only result in a negative escalation pattern.
Instead of shifting into instantaneous blame, take a moment to shift from reaction to reflection.
Why are you angry? What do you want? Instead of going for the jugular.
Take responsibility for what you feel and state it.
Esther Perel explains all of this in a 5-min video below.
Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relationship – Ted Talk
This is a very popular Ted Talk by Esther. It is 19-min long but well worth the time.
Podcasts by Esther Perel
Esther has two podcasts available on the usual podcast distribution channels.
Where Should We Begin?
Perel is the host of this podcast on ‘relationship’ topics such as infidelity, sexlessness, and grief.
How’s Work? with Esther Perel
She has also recently started this new podcastabout the work, business, employer-employee relationship, business partner relationships, and so on.
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Awesome thanks….
The article is loaded with abundance of nuggets. And the Two links makes it the best article I have ever read since 2022 began.
And Today is Monday 7th February 2022!